A Letter to My Future Self

Dear Future Self,

Perhaps you remember the time quite well.

Or perhaps you have forgotten and need a reminder.

During the time of your engagement with Kalyan, there were many unknowns. As the date of the wedding approached, you found yourself wondering more and more about life after the wedding - but especially how the two of you would survive financially. It's true, living in India is far cheaper than living in the United States, but when it comes to two people possibly serving in a place where there is no income at all, everything seems expensive! And then that eventual plane trip back to the States...where would that chunk of money ever come from?! Surely you remember the sleepless nights, the headaches that came from thinking too hard, and the pressure you put on your relationship as a result of your fears.

But then, do you remember that day you were bored at home and happened to see a link on Facebook for David's Bridal? "Why are they giving away $2500?" you thought to yourself. But within a couple minutes, you had entered your story into the "Share Your Love" contest, really not thinking much more about it.

It was a week later that it came to your thoughts again, and as you pulled it up you realized that the competition had already started three days before! But something in you decided to go for it anyway, thinking there might be some chance - if only you could get caught up on the votes. After sending out a message, you saw the votes slowly begin to trickle in.

And do you remember that wonderful fiancé of yours, who worked hard while you were sleeping, so you'd wake each morning to find 30, 40, even 50 votes more than the previous night?

Recall those feelings of nervousness and excitement as you entered into the Top 25, only to end the contest in 3rd place with 991 votes. 991 votes of people willing to show their support in this silly little contest you had entered yourselves into!

And then, (oh please don't forget!) that day you received the phone call from David's Bridal announcing  that you had been selected as the grand prize winner! You couldn't believe it! And when you got to tell Kalyan that night (after first giving him quite a scare at your "We need to talk immediately" demands), remember the look on his face and how wonderfully excited he was. (He wanted so badly to share with his parents, but then realized he must first explain what Facebook was!) Can you recall those emotions that you shared across the ocean?

Do you still remember, Rebecca, though all other events and details might have already escaped you, that it was the goodness and creativity and fun spirit of your Heavenly Father that provided for your needs? In one moment everything seemed unknown and scary, and in the next, you saw how God had used your boredom, your world of Facebook friends, and a bridal company to greatly answer your financial fears for the future. He did it then, as He always will. Never, never, never are His children forsaken. Never are you left alone. Your God is unbelievably creative, and abundantly able. He wrote your story from the beginning, and He is writing it still.

Remember these things, Rebecca, and be thankful.

                                                               Sincerely,       

                                                              You

Blind, Deaf, and Seeking Single Skillet.

     You can't often place me in that stereotypical "American woman" classification. More often than not, I fall far outside any remote resemblance to that identity. But something happened to me the other day, the events and succeeding thoughts I found myself entangled in I will now share [confess] with you.

I was at TJ Maxx with my sis-in-law, Jen. We were walking around shopping for a new rug for her living room when we wandered into the cooking section, the very epitome of useless kitchen items that no one will ever actually use. I don't know the exact trigger that caused the thought to spark, but I suddenly found myself proclaiming, in sheer turmoil, "Look at that cute mini one-egg skillet! Gosh, I wish I had a cute mini one-egg skillet to use. Actually, I wish I had my own stove in my own kitchen in my own house so I had a place to use that cute mini one-egg skillet in!"
     Something about approaching marriage creates in me this insatiable desire to settle down, don an apron, and make a one-egg omelet (in MY OWN kitchen!). When people ask what Kalyan and I need for our wedding, I honestly get very tired of saying "money." While very necessary, it's no fun to get or receive (well, ok, there might be some untruth to that). But how I wish I could ask for a mini one-egg skillet! The truth is, at this point, he and I have NO IDEA where we'll be come April, after the wedding festivities subside, the honeymoon ends, and we move into that next phase of life.
Deep down (deep, deep down), I trust God. I also trust His timing. But sometimes, I wish God had a bathroom closet that He kept all His surprises in, so I could sneak in and steal a peek (just like I did when I was little...and blamed Jesse for it.) I am more than willing to still act surprised when He does decide to reveal them!

     Unfortunately, He's pretty good at concealing things until the time of their revealing. Which is why I'm grateful for the two bits of insight He passed my way yesterday. One, from my high school best friend, Kristina, who, thankfully, has never been one to beat around the bush. After hearing about my one-egg skillet woes, she promptly responded, "This is the life you've been called to, Becca. And this is the life you have chosen." Sometimes you just need those people around you who are willing to remind you of who you are, and who you are called to be. I did not sign up for the easy, high-heeled wearing, apron sporting, model housewife, with a large shiny red lipstick smile, proudly displaying her cute mini one-egg skillet in hand. I am, and always will be, a trailblazing adventurer. I also happen to be marrying another one of those kind, which doesn't set us up for many things "normal."

     The other bit came last night sitting in bed. I've been reading the first part of Isaiah 43 often lately. It's a fierce, inspiring promise and I like it. But before long, my thoughts drifted off into one of those honest heart to hearts with God which involved me voicing how tired I am of waiting for answers and reminding Him that my wedding was just over two months away and Kal and I still have no idea where we'll be after that. I glanced down and read these words from Isaiah 42:18-20:

"Hear, you deaf, and look, you blind, 

that you may see!

Who is blind, but my servant, 

or deaf, as my messenger whom I send?

Who is blind as my dedicated one, 

or blind as the servant of the LORD?

He sees many things, but does not observe them;

His ears are open, but he does not hear."

A+ for constructive criticism, God! Sometimes God speaks words that simultaneously sting, soothe and settle. But He wasn't finished - thankfully. A couple minutes later, two other statements leaped off the page. The first, Isaiah 42:9. The second, Isaiah 42:16.

"Behold, the former things have come to pass, and new things I now declare;

before they spring forth I tell you of them."

"And I will lead the blind (yep, that's me) in a way they do not know, in paths that they have not known I will guide them. I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground. These are the things I do, and I do not forsake them."

Did I stay awake all night as God then flooded all the answers to all my questions into my already overcrowded brain? No, I didn't.

Did I sleep peacefully, thankful for the critiques and promises I received throughout the day, knowing that all things will be revealed in time? Oh, absolutely.