Rhythm.

Do you ever look around when your church sings that line in the song "I Could Sing of Your Love Forever" that says "and they'll dance with joy like we're dancing now"?

I do. Every time. And every time it's totally awkward. Why? Because no one is ever dancing.

Maybe it's just the song's fault. The tempo doesn't exactly set the stage for a jig (unless you're into "dating Jesus," in which case, you might also like to slow dance with Him, in which case, I suppose this would be the perfect song).

But somehow the issue seems deeper than that. At least in my own life.

How often do I dance with joy? (How often do you?)

I've heard it said that Christians should be the most joyful people on the planet because we have this unshakeable hope in Christ.

I believe that. I really, really do.

I also believe that I'm very much human, and while I do have this hope that is steadfast, me and my humanity are so quick to forget it.

God help us all. Fallen as we are, broken, skeptical, tired and worn, hurt and confused, entirely self-consumed. We're a fine bunch to display before the King, aren't we?

And yet, we're given this biblical command to "rejoice in Him." (Phil 4:4)

Seriously? A command? As if that can be forced!

Or maybe it can't be. And maybe it's not supposed to be. Maybe the reason He gives it is because it really is possible. Genuine, wholehearted celebration. Of the dancing sort.

I don't know about you, but I find myself stuck somewhere between believing the possibility of that verse simply because it's the Bible, and trying to make sense of it in the midst of the every day, sometimes exciting, often mundane life.
When you receive healing, rejoice.
When God feels near, rejoice.
When you feel like it, rejoice.
When you don't, rejoice.
When your dog dies, your health fails, your friend leaves, the bills pile, the questions come, the doubt taunts, the promotion passes, the spirit weakens, the scale lies (no, it doesn't), the days darken, and the music fades....rejoice.

Because sometimes it just means holding tight to the promises of God against all odds. Trust me on this. I'm living it first hand.

In our darkest days, it is still in Him that we live and move and have our being. (Acts 17: 28) Joy comes not when we force it or fake it, but when we lay back and just rest in it. It doesn't mean having answers (God knows I don't!) or being able to make sense of things as they are. Maybe life isn't so much an Irish river dance as it is a waltz, grace-fully weaving in and out of the hard stuff of life. It's this undying hope that things will be okay, that we'll make it through and be better, wiser, more redeemed people because of it.

Redemption? Now that seems like a catchy tune.

It's certainly something I can tap my foot to.

The Race to Immortality

I read an unnerving article in Time magazine about the Singularity movement. Heard of it?

By 2045, man is expected to be immortal - through the exponential advancement of science and technology, a cutting-edge group of brains predict that by that year artificial intelligence will surpass the combined brain power of all humanity on earth....a billion times over. By that point it will be virtually impossible to tell the difference between human and machine. And speaking of machines - English biologist Aubrey de Grey says that's all our bodies are anyway. And, as with other machines, with the right care and upkeep (along with the right amount of telomerase given to dying cells) the process cannot only be halted, but reversed! (This enzyme was given to mice suffering from age-related degeneration and the mice got better....and younger.) Hello Benjamin Button!
Of course by then we will have the ability to transfer our minds over to "sturdier vessels" like computers and robots. Raymond Kurzweil believes that many who are alive today will "wind up being functionally immortal."

There are, naturally, those asking the important questions regarding such movement. "Who decides who gets to be immortal? As we approach immortality, omniscience, and omnipotence, will our lives still have meaning? By beating death, will we have lost our essential humanity?" Unfortunately, those questions are but a faint whisper beneath the roar of the A.I. engine.

I sat on my bed trying to make it through the whole article, flipping pages with sweaty hands and fighting off the sick feeling in my stomach. Is this the world I live in? Am I expected to rejoice with science as it lies in the threshold of declaring valiantly, "Oh death, where is your sting?" Should I be thrilled that technology is telling me I can live on this earth...forever? Is anyone thrilled at the thought of that?!

So many thoughts flood my mind. I think of the Tower of Babel and their attempt to become God. I think of how it is appointed unto man once to die. I think of my children and fight off feelings of fear for their future. I think of the multitude of people through the years who have gradually had their jobs replaced by a more efficient machine. And somewhere, in the midst of all that, I have this bold picture in my mind of Jesus hanging on the cross, dying to defeat the sting of death, ending His own life on this earth so that we might have it eternally (and thank GOD that doesn't mean on this earth!) I think of God being robbed of His glory, and my heart is burdened with both sadness and fear. How long, O Lord?

Of all the overwhelming thoughts and emotions that flooded my mind, there was one that stood out above the rest. I simply missed God - more than I have in a very long time. Because I read about these brilliant people who have worked so hard to be self-efficient - immortal, and how they view religion and God Himself as a necessity of former times, long since outdated and obsolete. After all, who needs a god when you are one?

I can't point out the stick in my brother's eye without being uncomfortably aware of the one in my own. So often I choose lesser glories over the glory and greatness of God. I see it reflected in my schedule, my finances, my thoughts, even my own heart. Thankfully, "even when our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts and He knows everything, " 1 John 3:20. Needless to say, my thought process tonight has been one of humility and repentance, and it drove me to the point of shutting down the computer, putting away my phone and just sitting in the quiet, technology-not-required greatness of the mysterious presence of our glorious God. I don't always understand Him. I can't always feel Him. But I'm also learning I rather like it that way. He is wholly outside of my ability to control Him. It reminds me that He alone is God and I am not. He alone is omnipotent, omniscient, immortal.

For that, I praise Him.

Zach's blog

For those of you interested, I contacted Zach and asked if there might be a copy of that blog floating around somewhere. To my surprise, he did have a copy of it!
Here's part of that blog from last year's Israel trip:

"My first service opportunity has placed me working the morning shift at a refugee daycare. So, at 7 AM, I arrive at a small apartment full of children where I hold toddlers, become a human jungle gym, wipe snotty noses, and get pooped on...yup, true story. Funny thing is... I love it. 
Sure, the experiences up to this point have been far from what we were all expecting, which has led to some frustrations, but in my frustration with God, I've realized something major about my relationship with Him. 
I love that God created marriage as a symbol of His love for His people, and this week, I've seen just how marriage-like this covenant I have with the Lord has become. We are past the dating phase and the honeymoon stage. 
I get frustrated with Him, as I'm sure He gets frustrated with me. Trials come and test me, but at the end of the day, this is the God I go home with, and this is the God I wake up to in the morning. And when I consider this truth, and I think about His unfailing love, faithfulness, and understanding, I can't help but praise."


Thanks for the beautiful illustration, Zach. 

T is for Truth, Tumult, and Tuesday

After a long time of travel, of being surrounded by a wealth of some of the coolest people on earth, of exploring lands previously unknown to me, of spontaneity, of leading teams and letting God lead me....

I now reside in the middle of nowhere, Arkansas, with my only community being my family and small church body. Life is different than it once was. At times, everything inside of me wants to run back to the life I once knew - the busyness, the authority, the constant change, the beautiful people, the great unknown. 

I now live among the all-too-familiar. I earn my living by cleaning house and hanging out with an elderly lady. I feel weird about her paying me just to ease her loneliness, but I'm thankful for the $40 I earn each week. 

I now cook for my family on a regular basis, which is rarely successful because I make things like tandoori chicken, steamed baby artichokes and lentils topped with caramelized onions, to which my dad saw and said, "Are those eyeballs?" He always was a meat and potatoes type of guy. 

I now go to a church that I find both frustrating and endearing. Religion traps me. Simplicity beckons me.  At times I feel I have everything to offer; at others, nothing. There are days when the worship makes me want to jump up and down (which I don't exactly feel free to do) and there are days when I want to shut them all up because it seems so shallow (which I also don't exactly feel free to do, and that's probably a good thing). 

I now dwell in the middle of both extreme doubt and extreme anticipation. There are days when I expect God to do something way too cool (which He so often does!) and there are days when I could almost call myself an agnostic* (did I really just say that?). Questions, contradictions, and hesitations fill my head and I long for a God bigger than the one America has formed with her own two hands of domesticated religion and a consumeristic society. Surely, there must be more than this...

I now read books with titles like "Oh Me of Little Faith" and "A Glimpse into Glory." (The two alone cover the complete spectrum of faith and doubt.) I read in my room, I read in my car, I drive 17 miles just to go read at a coffee shop, I read early in the morning, I read late at night, I drop my family off at church and drive another 15 minutes just to skip Sunday School and go read at Starbucks. (What's the point of blogs except for public confessions that you wouldn't dare confess elsewhere?) In general, I read a lot these days. 

I now question EVERYTHING, which is no fun at all, because I know, deep down, that the most beautiful, fulfilling things on this earth or elsewhere, don't often come with neatly packaged answers. And even deeper down, my heart knows it wouldn't want a neatly packaged faith anyway. I am in love with a mysterious God, and despite all my questions and frustrations, He's still the God I come home to each night. *

With so many questions, books, thoughts, ponderings, I realize I need a way to express them. Hence...a new blog for this new chapter of life. Warning, I make no promises to its beauty, political correctness, lack of offensiveness, organization or otherwise. But I will try my best to keep it honest (which probably deserves a warning of its own). I'm just a normal girl living in a natural world that prays earnestly to see the display of the divine in the midst of such normalcy. I know some days will be successful, and others not so much. And such is life as we all know it. 

If you're reading this, thanks. If you're already offended, please don't subscribe, it might not get better. If you have a responding thought, feel free to voice it. If you question, long, have faith and doubt, know God yet desire to know Him more, then welcome aboard. Any companionship along this journey is delightfully welcomed.

Until next time,

yours truly. 

* A bit of clarity here - it might be a good thing to check out the actual definition of the word agnostic. Its connotation can be quite scary, but the actual definition is one who believes in God, or a god, but believes that he is largely unknowable. In some ways, I believe this about God, that He can't be explained away in some tidy "Dummy's Guide to God" book. Much to the chagrin of many desperately seeking intellectual minds, not even the Bible attempts to do that. At any rate, an agnostic is a long way off from an atheist, and the two shouldn't be confused. 

* The credit for this thought goes to Zach, a student on one of my previous trips. In one of his blogs, he expressed this thought so beautifully, explaining how our relationship with God is reflected in the marriage covenant between a husband and wife.  Though the blog itself doesn't exist anymore, the thought will stay with me for a lifetime.  If you want to read more of Zach's words, click here.