Getting Life

A journal entry from this past week....

November 5, 2011

Three days ago my sister-in-law went in for a routine check-up and discovered that they had had a miscarriage of their six month baby girl. Yesterday she went in so the doctors could induce her and she could deliver the body of my sweet little niece. 

Sometimes life makes no sense. I cannot begin to understand the divine purpose behind such sorrow. My heart is utterly broken for my family back home, especially for my brother and sister-in-law who were only 3 months away from delivering a healthy little baby. 

My heart can only wonder why for so long, though, because today my brother shares these words:

I have realized the significance of of a single heartbeat. 

Each one is a miracle given to us by God. 

Cherish each one and make sure it is used 

for something greater than yourself. 

And now I see, at least in part, that my brother, thrown into unchosen, unwanted circumstances far outside his control, suddenly gets the true purpose of life far more than most of us who walk this planet. In death, he understands life. 

Oh how I wish there was another way, one with less pain and equal understanding. But despite the hurt and sorrow I feel for BJ and Jen right now, when I read his words, hear the unusual strength in her voice, my heart can't help but rejoice. 

Rejoice - in a time life this?!

Somehow, yes. 

Because I believe that these two broken hearts now carry in them a deepness that will influence the rest of their lives. 

In death - Life.                                               

In loss - Gain.                                                  

                         

In pain - Rejoicing.                       

Surely only those who trust in the heart of their Heavenly Father can come to such a place. I believe BJ and Jen's future children will be unbelievably blessed with parents who have wisdom, intentionality, and purpose beyond their years. My spirit is challenged by their steadfast faith. And while my heart still breaks for them, it rejoices with them even more loudly. 

It's Been a While

I know, I know. I've been slacking in the blog department lately.

And no, I don't have a good reason (besides the fact that the heat here in Israel is paralyzing, I don't always get good internet access, between volunteering and soaking up the community life I have limited free time, I enjoy my afternoon naps a little too much, and well, while living in Nazareth I want to be doing just that!)

Like I said, no good reason.

BUT, I do want to get an update out there for those I haven't been able to call or skype with lately.

Since mid-June I've been here in Israel. The first couple weeks I toured with an amazing group from RCA (Reformed Church of America). By the fourth day I feared my head would explode and drops of information would get on everyone, but I somehow managed to keep it all contained (if not all retained) and thoroughly enjoyed the vast amount of teaching, good food, and wonderful, wonderful community.

After that I said goodbye to that group and headed up north to Nazareth, where I've been since June 20. I'm volunteering at an adorable little inn in the heart of the old city (www.fauziazarinn.com if you're interested). I get to greet the guests with a cold cup of water and fresh cake and make their stay here as memorable as possible. I have literally met people from all over the world, from all walks of life, and every faith background you can imagine. It has truly been an eye-opening experience! Just last night I had dinner at an Arab restaurant with a Scot, and Kiwi, and a girl from Czech Republic. How fun!

As many of you know by now, my boyfriend, Kalyan, was planning on joining me in Israel later this month. However, we found out last week that there are major complications to that plan. The chance of an unmarried male Indian missionary getting into Israel is slim. So, rather than wait until it was too late, we prayed and decided the best choice now is to cancel his tickets. I cannot describe how difficult this decision was for us both! Besides all the plans we had here, we now have to wait even longer to see each other. Ugh!!

On the bright side, we found out that Indians can go to Thailand for up to 15 days without a visa, and since we had most of our money refunded from our tickets, our current plan (Lord willing -- and I've learned that that phrase is key!) is to meet up in Thailand and travel around for a few days. It will have been 10 months since we saw each other last and you can believe I am more than ready to see him again!!

After that, we'll go back to India and I'll meet his family and friends around the country. I'm actually getting excited to return to the country that was more challenging to me than any other I've been to! God knows I like a good challenge. :)

Spiritually, I feel like I've been on a roller-coaster lately. God has kept me guessing as to what's next! But in the midst of that, I'm learning to trust Him more and more. I hate how unfaithful I can be with Him at times! But it is His own faithfulness that constantly calls me back to where I should be - that beautiful place created by trust in my Heavenly Father.

So, I think that's it for now. I promise to think about keeping you more updated in the future. (hehe)

May the Lord bless you and keep you and cause His face to shine upon you and give you grace and peace both now and forevermore.

May your life - and mine - bring Him glory in this world.

Closing the Bedroom Door

I'm attending this book study with some women from my church. It's been a great class and I've thoroughly enjoyed watching the healing that's taking place in their lives as a result of the Spirit's call to freedom. It's been super cool. 

But this particular night was really frustrating for me. 

We had this activity where we write down on one side of a paper how we think other people view us. Ok...creative, bold, committed, reserved, intellectual....

Then, we turn the paper over and it gets passed around the room and everyone else writes what they think about Rebecca Herndon. 

Uh-oh, right? 

No, not really. That type of thing used to scare me, but not anymore. Why?

Ok, who's really gonna write anything negative? Constructive criticism, anyone? (...funny, didn't realize the cricket in the room until just now.) 

The paper comes back (ah, the suspense)...and Rebecca Herndon is...

Quiet. 

Intelligent. 

Soft spoken. 

Discerning. 

Determined. 

Loves God. 

Yep. 

Ok, so aside from the affirmation that I have a pretty realistic grasp on myself, here's why this was so frustrating. 

One, the activity itself has always seemed faulty to me. What about the things on the back of that paper? I am neither ignorant nor self-decieved. I know I can come across as abrasive, too bold, insensitive, aloof...and the list goes on. 

Is the ultimate goal to ignore those weaknesses and only tell myself positive things? 

I sure hope not. Because there's a very real part of me that longs DESPERATELY for growth, for wholeness, to know and be fully known. And a bunch of compliments doesn't really get me there. 

Annnnd, that's when it hit me. 

What bothered me most about the evening was not the compliments (they were all very nice and I really am thankful), but I want (read "need") people around me who, in love, can speak the more difficult truths. Where's the opinions about me that spur me on to maturity, to love, to being like Christ? Those are the affirmations and challenges that I actually WANT to hear!! That quality feedback that is the Miracle Grow of life! 

Ok, about the bedroom. 

I called my friend Mindy on the way home. (If there's ever a person who will be brutally, painfully, searingly honest with you, take the blinders of bliss off your eyes and still make you feel absolutely loved in the process, it's Mindy Lou.)

Relationships are like a house, Bec, she says. Some people only walk by outside the fence and wave hello as they continue on their way. You might wave back, if you happen to notice the gesture. 

Others come inside the fence, maybe play frisbee in the yard or comment on how nice your garden is looking. 

Still others you welcome to your front porch. You share iced tea as you sit in the rockers and talk about the week, the soccer game, what's going on at church. 

Then, there are a few that you invite into your home, beyond the front door, and you share a meal together. You spend time making this meal - you care about these people and they care about you. You might divulge the difficulties you're having at work, the great things God has taught you this week, or some minor challenges that you're currently facing. But, you still clean the house before they come. After all, they really don't need to see what a mess your family can be. 

But then there's the bedroom, and that space is reserved for only an intimate circle of your closest, truest friends. You've done life with them. They know you and you know them. They know the faith issue you're struggling with, the financial difficulties, the marital problems. They also know your deepest hopes and dreams, your passions, your giftings. They also know what keeps you up at night. They believe in you and they want the best for you. Sure, they'll call your bluff when they need to, but only because they love you and want to see you grow. And of course, they're the first to see when you do. *

It was the perfect analogy. Perfect, because as she said it I realized something very important. Though I am a person who loves depth, loves getting to the root of things, and loves challenging and being challenged, I can be deep to a fault. 

Not everyone can fit in the bedroom. 

Not everyone should be there. 

(Though many think they do because it makes some pretty juicy gossip on the street. "You should pray for Becca, she's....")

And what was most important for me to realize tonight: I don't really want everyone there. I think I want brutal honesty, and I really do, but I only want it from those dedicated few who have also been ferocious with their love for me. They've pushed through my walls and found the real me on the other side. 

A person from the street, and maybe someone playing frisbee in my front yard, wouldn't be as heard as one who speaks from my bedroom. 

And you know what? That's perfectly okay. 

I'm an open person, but that doesn't mean I have to go soul-deep with every person I meet. Ideally, sure, it'd be nice. But it's also a two way street. Those in my bedroom have also given me full entrance into theirs. It's the ra‘yāh type of love that the ancient Hebrews knew as a deep knowing and absolute commitment. 

Lesson learned: It's ok to have boundaries. It's ok that not everyone will give challenging feedback in a heart of love. It's ok that not everyone will know me well enough to be able to do that. 

And, it's okay to close my bedroom door and reserve that sacred space for a small few who know and love me and speak truth to me best. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you're reading this and you're offended that you aren't on that inside, intimate circle of mine, please don't be....you don't open your bedroom to everyone, either. 

* Great analogy, but I'd add one more level: the bathroom. This one goes beyond the bedroom....waaaaaay beyond. It represents those remote few who have really seen your crap - the most offensive, disgusting, repulsive part of you - and still love you anyway. Now THAT is a rare friend indeed! 

What Love Looks Like

So, a few of my friends are getting ready to head to Kenya for the next couple of years. I've had the opportunity to get to know most of them really well. I've seen their hearts, and these people have what it takes to bring the Kingdom of Heaven to the Kenyan people in unbelievably glorious and much needed ways. 

Here's what you can do right now:

1. Check out the video below to find out more about what they will be doing. 

Love. from Matt Patch on Vimeo.

2. Pray, pray, pray for this team. Read up more about each of them here: 

 Logan Pace, Matt Ruple, Matt Patch, Jenna Ghizas, Elizabeth Martin, and Kelli Miller. 

3. Let your wallet show how thankful you are that young people like this are responding to God's love in their own lives and live to share that love with others. Click here to go to their team blog: http://kenya.theworldrace.org/. Then click on the "Support us" tab on the left to give. 

That's all for now. :)
Thanks friends!

Rhythm.

Do you ever look around when your church sings that line in the song "I Could Sing of Your Love Forever" that says "and they'll dance with joy like we're dancing now"?

I do. Every time. And every time it's totally awkward. Why? Because no one is ever dancing.

Maybe it's just the song's fault. The tempo doesn't exactly set the stage for a jig (unless you're into "dating Jesus," in which case, you might also like to slow dance with Him, in which case, I suppose this would be the perfect song).

But somehow the issue seems deeper than that. At least in my own life.

How often do I dance with joy? (How often do you?)

I've heard it said that Christians should be the most joyful people on the planet because we have this unshakeable hope in Christ.

I believe that. I really, really do.

I also believe that I'm very much human, and while I do have this hope that is steadfast, me and my humanity are so quick to forget it.

God help us all. Fallen as we are, broken, skeptical, tired and worn, hurt and confused, entirely self-consumed. We're a fine bunch to display before the King, aren't we?

And yet, we're given this biblical command to "rejoice in Him." (Phil 4:4)

Seriously? A command? As if that can be forced!

Or maybe it can't be. And maybe it's not supposed to be. Maybe the reason He gives it is because it really is possible. Genuine, wholehearted celebration. Of the dancing sort.

I don't know about you, but I find myself stuck somewhere between believing the possibility of that verse simply because it's the Bible, and trying to make sense of it in the midst of the every day, sometimes exciting, often mundane life.
When you receive healing, rejoice.
When God feels near, rejoice.
When you feel like it, rejoice.
When you don't, rejoice.
When your dog dies, your health fails, your friend leaves, the bills pile, the questions come, the doubt taunts, the promotion passes, the spirit weakens, the scale lies (no, it doesn't), the days darken, and the music fades....rejoice.

Because sometimes it just means holding tight to the promises of God against all odds. Trust me on this. I'm living it first hand.

In our darkest days, it is still in Him that we live and move and have our being. (Acts 17: 28) Joy comes not when we force it or fake it, but when we lay back and just rest in it. It doesn't mean having answers (God knows I don't!) or being able to make sense of things as they are. Maybe life isn't so much an Irish river dance as it is a waltz, grace-fully weaving in and out of the hard stuff of life. It's this undying hope that things will be okay, that we'll make it through and be better, wiser, more redeemed people because of it.

Redemption? Now that seems like a catchy tune.

It's certainly something I can tap my foot to.

The Race to Immortality

I read an unnerving article in Time magazine about the Singularity movement. Heard of it?

By 2045, man is expected to be immortal - through the exponential advancement of science and technology, a cutting-edge group of brains predict that by that year artificial intelligence will surpass the combined brain power of all humanity on earth....a billion times over. By that point it will be virtually impossible to tell the difference between human and machine. And speaking of machines - English biologist Aubrey de Grey says that's all our bodies are anyway. And, as with other machines, with the right care and upkeep (along with the right amount of telomerase given to dying cells) the process cannot only be halted, but reversed! (This enzyme was given to mice suffering from age-related degeneration and the mice got better....and younger.) Hello Benjamin Button!
Of course by then we will have the ability to transfer our minds over to "sturdier vessels" like computers and robots. Raymond Kurzweil believes that many who are alive today will "wind up being functionally immortal."

There are, naturally, those asking the important questions regarding such movement. "Who decides who gets to be immortal? As we approach immortality, omniscience, and omnipotence, will our lives still have meaning? By beating death, will we have lost our essential humanity?" Unfortunately, those questions are but a faint whisper beneath the roar of the A.I. engine.

I sat on my bed trying to make it through the whole article, flipping pages with sweaty hands and fighting off the sick feeling in my stomach. Is this the world I live in? Am I expected to rejoice with science as it lies in the threshold of declaring valiantly, "Oh death, where is your sting?" Should I be thrilled that technology is telling me I can live on this earth...forever? Is anyone thrilled at the thought of that?!

So many thoughts flood my mind. I think of the Tower of Babel and their attempt to become God. I think of how it is appointed unto man once to die. I think of my children and fight off feelings of fear for their future. I think of the multitude of people through the years who have gradually had their jobs replaced by a more efficient machine. And somewhere, in the midst of all that, I have this bold picture in my mind of Jesus hanging on the cross, dying to defeat the sting of death, ending His own life on this earth so that we might have it eternally (and thank GOD that doesn't mean on this earth!) I think of God being robbed of His glory, and my heart is burdened with both sadness and fear. How long, O Lord?

Of all the overwhelming thoughts and emotions that flooded my mind, there was one that stood out above the rest. I simply missed God - more than I have in a very long time. Because I read about these brilliant people who have worked so hard to be self-efficient - immortal, and how they view religion and God Himself as a necessity of former times, long since outdated and obsolete. After all, who needs a god when you are one?

I can't point out the stick in my brother's eye without being uncomfortably aware of the one in my own. So often I choose lesser glories over the glory and greatness of God. I see it reflected in my schedule, my finances, my thoughts, even my own heart. Thankfully, "even when our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts and He knows everything, " 1 John 3:20. Needless to say, my thought process tonight has been one of humility and repentance, and it drove me to the point of shutting down the computer, putting away my phone and just sitting in the quiet, technology-not-required greatness of the mysterious presence of our glorious God. I don't always understand Him. I can't always feel Him. But I'm also learning I rather like it that way. He is wholly outside of my ability to control Him. It reminds me that He alone is God and I am not. He alone is omnipotent, omniscient, immortal.

For that, I praise Him.

Zach's blog

For those of you interested, I contacted Zach and asked if there might be a copy of that blog floating around somewhere. To my surprise, he did have a copy of it!
Here's part of that blog from last year's Israel trip:

"My first service opportunity has placed me working the morning shift at a refugee daycare. So, at 7 AM, I arrive at a small apartment full of children where I hold toddlers, become a human jungle gym, wipe snotty noses, and get pooped on...yup, true story. Funny thing is... I love it. 
Sure, the experiences up to this point have been far from what we were all expecting, which has led to some frustrations, but in my frustration with God, I've realized something major about my relationship with Him. 
I love that God created marriage as a symbol of His love for His people, and this week, I've seen just how marriage-like this covenant I have with the Lord has become. We are past the dating phase and the honeymoon stage. 
I get frustrated with Him, as I'm sure He gets frustrated with me. Trials come and test me, but at the end of the day, this is the God I go home with, and this is the God I wake up to in the morning. And when I consider this truth, and I think about His unfailing love, faithfulness, and understanding, I can't help but praise."


Thanks for the beautiful illustration, Zach. 

T is for Truth, Tumult, and Tuesday

After a long time of travel, of being surrounded by a wealth of some of the coolest people on earth, of exploring lands previously unknown to me, of spontaneity, of leading teams and letting God lead me....

I now reside in the middle of nowhere, Arkansas, with my only community being my family and small church body. Life is different than it once was. At times, everything inside of me wants to run back to the life I once knew - the busyness, the authority, the constant change, the beautiful people, the great unknown. 

I now live among the all-too-familiar. I earn my living by cleaning house and hanging out with an elderly lady. I feel weird about her paying me just to ease her loneliness, but I'm thankful for the $40 I earn each week. 

I now cook for my family on a regular basis, which is rarely successful because I make things like tandoori chicken, steamed baby artichokes and lentils topped with caramelized onions, to which my dad saw and said, "Are those eyeballs?" He always was a meat and potatoes type of guy. 

I now go to a church that I find both frustrating and endearing. Religion traps me. Simplicity beckons me.  At times I feel I have everything to offer; at others, nothing. There are days when the worship makes me want to jump up and down (which I don't exactly feel free to do) and there are days when I want to shut them all up because it seems so shallow (which I also don't exactly feel free to do, and that's probably a good thing). 

I now dwell in the middle of both extreme doubt and extreme anticipation. There are days when I expect God to do something way too cool (which He so often does!) and there are days when I could almost call myself an agnostic* (did I really just say that?). Questions, contradictions, and hesitations fill my head and I long for a God bigger than the one America has formed with her own two hands of domesticated religion and a consumeristic society. Surely, there must be more than this...

I now read books with titles like "Oh Me of Little Faith" and "A Glimpse into Glory." (The two alone cover the complete spectrum of faith and doubt.) I read in my room, I read in my car, I drive 17 miles just to go read at a coffee shop, I read early in the morning, I read late at night, I drop my family off at church and drive another 15 minutes just to skip Sunday School and go read at Starbucks. (What's the point of blogs except for public confessions that you wouldn't dare confess elsewhere?) In general, I read a lot these days. 

I now question EVERYTHING, which is no fun at all, because I know, deep down, that the most beautiful, fulfilling things on this earth or elsewhere, don't often come with neatly packaged answers. And even deeper down, my heart knows it wouldn't want a neatly packaged faith anyway. I am in love with a mysterious God, and despite all my questions and frustrations, He's still the God I come home to each night. *

With so many questions, books, thoughts, ponderings, I realize I need a way to express them. Hence...a new blog for this new chapter of life. Warning, I make no promises to its beauty, political correctness, lack of offensiveness, organization or otherwise. But I will try my best to keep it honest (which probably deserves a warning of its own). I'm just a normal girl living in a natural world that prays earnestly to see the display of the divine in the midst of such normalcy. I know some days will be successful, and others not so much. And such is life as we all know it. 

If you're reading this, thanks. If you're already offended, please don't subscribe, it might not get better. If you have a responding thought, feel free to voice it. If you question, long, have faith and doubt, know God yet desire to know Him more, then welcome aboard. Any companionship along this journey is delightfully welcomed.

Until next time,

yours truly. 

* A bit of clarity here - it might be a good thing to check out the actual definition of the word agnostic. Its connotation can be quite scary, but the actual definition is one who believes in God, or a god, but believes that he is largely unknowable. In some ways, I believe this about God, that He can't be explained away in some tidy "Dummy's Guide to God" book. Much to the chagrin of many desperately seeking intellectual minds, not even the Bible attempts to do that. At any rate, an agnostic is a long way off from an atheist, and the two shouldn't be confused. 

* The credit for this thought goes to Zach, a student on one of my previous trips. In one of his blogs, he expressed this thought so beautifully, explaining how our relationship with God is reflected in the marriage covenant between a husband and wife.  Though the blog itself doesn't exist anymore, the thought will stay with me for a lifetime.  If you want to read more of Zach's words, click here.